Obligatory Snow-Orientated Entry

It had to happen. Every blog must have an entry about snow at some point in tis existence (providing it exists through at least one Winter), so here it is.

So my college has shut its gates for the extra three days it was supposed to be open (and it's still unclear why they were to be open) and teenagers are let loose on the streets to frolick in the tundra. Or at least, I thought they would be.

The snow's fallen strangely this year, and for some reason it just doesn't want to stick together at all. That means no snowball fights, no snowmen, and most depressingly of all, no enormous phallic sculptures. Still, there's plenty to do indoors, and it's not as if it's that cold outside (or is it just me?), so you can still brave the Winters to get that packet of Hobnobs you so desire, you tubby bastard. For example, I just spent an evening with my brother and my dad. We started by reliving the old days playing Mario Kart 64 in all the modes and remembering just how unbalanced and ridiculous the whole game is and always will be.

A bit of nostalgia is good for you, but too much can lead to premature loss of hair and earlobes, so we decided to knock it on the head and watch District 9 after my brother made a comment about "f'kin Prawns". That's not a censor, that's how you have to say it. If you've seen the film you'll know what I mean. Unfortunately, we couldn't find it, but it just so happened that for my (recent) birthday, my brother had bought me Shallow Grave by Danny Boyle (a tip-top director and no mistake). After a whopping four seconds of deliberation, we removed the ham from the DVD player* and put the disc in.

What a film, Boyle really knows his stuff, but if you've seen it you'll know what I mean when I say that it's fine, didn't ever want to sleep again anyway.

So you see? You don't need ice tits or snow clitorises to enjoy the Winter. Gather 'round with your family and relive the old days when you weren't a hopeless failure (or too young to realise it). Light the fire, roast your chesnuts, baste your puddings. But most importantly of all, enjoy yourselves.

I don't know if I'll post another entry until after Christmas, so in case I don't, here's a merry Christmas from me and all the others behind Surface of the Sun. If you don't speak English, please choose the appropriate translation below:

Joyeux Noël
Fröhliche Weihnachten
Feliz Navidad
С Рождеством Хрисовым
Felix dies Nativitatis
メリークリスマス
Gleðileg Jól
ميلاد مجيد
Geseënde Kersfees
圣诞快乐
Nadolig Llawen

Any language I missed out (there's bound to be at least one), I'm sure you'll get my sentiment when I simply say:

Merry Christmas and an enormous thank you to everyone who has supported my blog over the months!

God bless us, every one!


*There's method in the madness

Chin Up

It's here again. Winter is upon us, regardless of what the calendars say, and what with the build up to Christmas not yet in full swing, the innumerable amount of viruses in the air and the constant spending on gifts for those whom we most hold dear, most people are feeling a little bit down. Not me, my birthday was on Friday. Yes it was lovely, probably better than yours anyway. Back on topic, we're all a little bit gloomy and could do with a hearty and well-thought-out method of cheering up. I don't have any well-thought-out methods, but here's fifteen I conceived off the top of my head, along with the obligatory marks out of ten. To keep up with the festive theme, imagine they're marks of good cheer or for the more negatively-minded of you, Death Stars:

1)
Turn up the heating and put on your Summer clothes.
6/10

2)
Peel a clementine using only your chin.
5/10

3)
Hold a door open for all the single ladies (all the single ladies) throughout your day. As soon as one of them fails to thank you for such an act of chivalry/politeness (dependent on your gender), grab her shoulder and simply shout 'pigeon' in her face repeatedly for as long as you can bear.
9/10

4)
Wrap up a body part festively and give it to someone you love.
(Depends on which body part you choose. No, not that one you disgusting beast)

5)
Write a line of Shakespeare in the snow.
8/10

6)
Turn off all the heating, remove all your clothes and pretend you're a feral child.
3/10

7)
Find something you've lost, then burn it for Winter fuel.
2/10

8)
Go carol singing with your family and break into freestyle jazz scat halfway through 'Away in a Manger'.
8/10

9)
Engage someone in a debate about the use of grammar in freshwater crabs.
2/10

10)
Learn all the words to a carol that seems to have inspired Harry Potter*.
7/10

11)
Open all of your Christmas presents in your sleep, then refuse to apologise.
6/10

12)
Rub the lotion on its skin.
0/10

13)
Perform 'A Christmas Carol' with a cardboard cut out of Michael Caine.
9/10

14)
Create armour plating out of soup tins and blu tack.
5/10

15)
Forward this page on to all of your friends.
10/10


*Alternative

You are the Elephant-Balloon Guys

First, apologies. It appears that due to my personal and educational life muddling up my mind, I have been lacking in supporting my lackies. You lot. Rest assured, I have not yet vanished, you need not despair. All I will say is that the ten minute challenge* has still not been completed as I promised, but I will get around to it eventually.

So what delights do I have for you today? It's simple really.

Relationships.

I know, I know, it's out there and it's far removed from my usual topics consisting of toast, tales and ridiculous lists, but bear with me, for I am about to delve into the unknown depths of my own personal life...

So relationships have always been something that I have relied on. Don't get me wrong, if I'm single I don't suddenly collapse inwards on myself and reduce to the size of a small garden pea, but it's not far from it. I love love. Love is one of those things that can keep you going through anything and everything, and one of those things that can shatter them as well. I can put my hand on my heart (no pun intended) and say that every relationship I have been in has ended up with one or both parties feeling like their innards are curdling, even if it's only for an hour or two, but the fact remains nonetheless, and this raises a question...

Why do we do it? Why do we love when it leads to heartbreak? For that, I don't have a conclusive answer, and I scoff at the idea that there is one. I was recently parted with someone, and it's because of them I suppose that I'm writing this more personal entry. Initially, I was absolutely mortified, and it still hurts now. But do you know what has made this so much easier? The fact that they haven't given up on me yet. We're not intimate any more of course, and there's no denying my love for them, but the fact that they still treat me as they always did gives me a great boost of confidence about the human race.

So many people part sourly, which is such a shame, because when you've been that close to someone, to be completely cut off is so much harder than still having contact. If you've got balls big enough and you're prepared to swallow your pride a little, things go rather swimmingly.

I'm not going to give myself false hope in that things may mend themselves between the two of us, and I'm not going to bombard everyone with clichéd tales of revelation and enlightenment. All I'm going to say is that if you can't work with the relationship, work with the friendship.

A little of something good is always better than nothing.


*Or given its new title: Duke Nukem Forever

Ich Spiele das Plinky-Plonk

So I've taken up piano. I say 'piano', we don't actually own a piano, so I'm settling for a keyboard. It's not quite the same, the main difference being a lack of an extra 17 keys, but I'll just have to make do.

Oh, and bear with me if this post is a little short, I've challenged myself to type an entry before my laptop runs out of battery entirely, which is usually between three and ten minutes.

Anyway, back to my point, yes, I can now proudly say I can play the piano, albeit to a rather limited degree. It's a rather unusual instrument in the sense that the notes are so defined and unique that you can work out how to play pretty much any piece of music just by hitting the keys until they 'spell out' the song.

My laptop seems to think it has two hours and ten minutes left before it conks out. Or is that two minutes and ten seconds...?

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this update-

ARAGH! IT'S GOING INTO HIBERNATE* MODE!

Ok, so I failed at my own miniature challenge, but haven't we all learned something from this? If you don't think you have, think about it a bit more carefully. Answers in the comment box below, on the Facebook page or to the usual email address. If you don't know what that is by now, you're either a new reader or you've just been making a very long cup of tea.

Tarrah for now. Next week, I'll be posting the results of the ten minute challenge! But which one will it be? You'll have to wait and see...


*In honour of its maiden hibernation, I'm renaming my computer 'Hedgehog'

If These Were Little Chickens...

The worst Del Boy puns are always the best. The more observant of you may have realised that there is a new addition to the blog. Twitter has now been fully and successfully integrated, allowing for those of you with more time than sense to check up on the latest that is happening in my world. This 'microblogging' will be a more personal insight into my life, allowing stalkers to track my every move and sorrowful mishap. Bear in mind that I am restricted on how many characters are in each tweet, so don't expect a flood of detail if something terrible happens. I'm not one for bad news, and if it's good news I'll probably post a full entry on here.

Anyway, have a look if you're even mildly interested. Or don't, but you'll make me cry. Maybe that's what you want*. You can find a little tab to the left of the page saying 'Follow Me'. Click that and it'll take you straight to my Twitter page. Not only that, but if you look at the top of the page, you'll see a short little snippet that is in fact my latest tweet. Shiny, eh?

That's all really, keep telling your little chummies about me, and if you happen to be of the chartable type, search 'surface of the sun' in Google, go on to the second page and click the entry that will link to this blog. If you do this, it will improve the standing of the blog and push it further up on the list. Not to mention I'll love you forever.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to wait ten hours in the Treasury on Fable III in order to accumulate enough cash from my real estate to keep the citizens of Albion alive.

In the words of Reaver:
Tatty-bye.


*Marmite

Well Hot Damn...

I was surprised the other day. After waking up and lying in bed for the best part of an hour doing little more than scratching my face with something that felt like a dead badger's tit, I decided it was probably time to rise and breakfast myself. Upon arriving in my kitchen, I opened one of the many fridges to be greeted* by two medallions of charmingly cheap bacon, and single egg, some beans and two slices of bread. Perhaps they weren't all in there and perhaps there were more than I said, but it's far more original to describe your whole meal inside a fridge door than simply listing them as a table of contents. Anyway, I collected said ingredients and made my way over to the frying pan.

Long story short, I cooked the foodstuffs and sat down to eat my meal. It was only when I looked up at the clock and saw the time that I really surprised myself. It had taken me ten minutes to prepare a 'full' English breakfast. Now many of you will be thinking that this isn't a particularly impressive feat, and if I was pushed I could probably reduce the time by a good few minutes. The thing that made this all so strange was that I usually take a very long time to cook. It's not because I'm rubbish, I just like to take my time over things, cooking's a relaxing activity for me.

This got me thinking... What other things could you do in just ten minutes?

Now here's a shocker, I'm NOT going to list a load of obscure and ridiculous activities involving woodland creatures. Crumbs no, I'm going o get you to do that for me, and as a special treat, I'll attempt to perform the one I consider the most intriguing, challenging or indeed outrageous idea.

So, post your ideas underneath in the comments section, post them on the Facebook page, or email me.


*Food should never actually speak to you. If this happens to you, you might need a cold bath and a slap

Is There Life on Mars?

As you may have noticed, The Surface Of Then Sun is having some changes applied to it. Most notable of which is shiny, new dedicated url for the blog, namely 'surfaceofthesun.co.uk'. Catchy, eh? Not only that, but the name of the blog has also been ever so slightly altered, from 'The Surface Of The Sun' to 'Surface of the Sun'*. This may seem a very small change, but it's a change nonetheless, although the chances of anyone truly caring are slim to nil. Sod it, it makes me happy. You will have to be a little patient, as the domain name will take a while to fully link with the blog. If you get directed to a website with "Namesco" scrawled all over it, take a deep breath, reload the page, and if that doesn't work, bludgeon your monitor with a croquet mallet.

Not only that, but now if you have any thoughts of feeling about the site, you can get in contact with my directly by emailing me on my stalker-proof email address:
alexolney@surfaceofthesun.co.uk
If that link just opened an irritating and useless email program, I am deeply sorry.

Don't think I've finished yet though, the site will also receive a shiny new design, perfectly suited to the modern man or woman. Yes, this does mean a departure from my beloved font Georgia, which will be sadly missed. Think of it as a tired old workhorse. It's served you for as you can remember and it's a dear old friend to you. But it's limping, its nose is gangrenous and you think its catheter has fallen out. The best thing to do is to take it outside, give him a blindfold and a cigarette, aim carefully and precisely with a tear in your eye, and punch it to death. It's ok, because soon you'll have a shiny new motor car with the power of THREE horses to help carry your vegetables.

Either way, it's happening, and I know it's for the best. I'll keep you all up to date every time something remotely interesting or shiny appears.


*If you noticed the re-capitalisation, well done, have a biscuit