The Death Of A Gentleman

I try and deny it, but unfortunately it's true. The true English gentleman is dying out.

This leaves me in a very difficult position, for I like to uphold the traditional values of this country and behave as gentlemanly as possible. Sometimes I would prefer not to do the honourable thing and simply do what is easiest for me, but nine times out of ten I will ignore my petty desires in order to make the woman in my company happy, which is more than I can say for a majority of the male population these days. Everywhere I turn I see more and more witless wankers with gormless expressions picking their noses and letting doors swing shut on the mother with the pushchair behind them. It takes little to no effort to hold a door open for a few seconds longer than you would have done, and let's face it, they're hardly likely to need to be anywhere. However, this is merely trivial in the light of my other point.

The amount of times I've had my female friends approach me in tears because of a bloke is staggering. These nanny-shagging tossmongers* seem to lack the empathy to even realise that using and then leaving a girl is heartbreaking and scarring. I was absolutely disgusted by what my friend relayed to me after hearing two blokes talking to each other:

"So what are you going to do about her?"

"I don't know, I just want to shag her and get her out of the way"

Before we go any further, I am going to admit that I have not lived my life bereft of one-night stands. The difference being that I have never strung a girl along purely for sex. No-strings-attached sex is a very appealing and enticing proposition, I'm not going to deny it, and as long as both parties are willing, it's perfectly acceptable. It become unacceptable when one party (mainly the girl but it has happened to lads as well) believes that they are forging a relationship. As you know/can imagine, this scenario leads to all sorts of very serious ramifications.

I'm not suggesting that every man becomes a saint overnight, but next time you pass through a door, hold it open for people following you or coming the other way, help someone pick up their bags if they fall, or even just smile and say thank you when you buy something from a shop. These also apply to all you ladies out there. Chivalry is 90% manners, and manners don't cost a thing.

*© Bill Bailey

Billy No Mates

I've just spent the best part of 36 hours on my own, and I can tell you now that it's simply not for me. True, I enjoy spending some time by myself, who doesn't? The thing is trying to find things to do that won't make you go blind, so I've compiled a list of activities you can do to pass the time that won't diminish your bucket and a half, complete with a boredom-fighting score out of ten:

1)

Go to your local coffee shop, sit in the corner and judge everyone who comes in.

9/10

2)

Prepare food in unconventional ways.

3/10

3)

Deface popular figures with Photoshop.*

8.5/10

4)

Perform day-to-day tasks naked. Or naked from the waist down to emphasise.

7/10

5)

Arrange your things in alphabetical order (or alphacronological if it makes more sense).

6/10

6)

Invent a new 18-rated card game.

4/10

7)

See how much vinegar and baking power you can consume without vomiting.

3/10

8)

Sharpen your knives with something valuable.

4/10

9)

Test all the batteries lying around the house.

1/10

10)

See how loudly you can shout the c-word without the police becoming involved.

10/10

11)

Create a new cocktail using Mr Sheen.

7.5/10

12)

Re-order your iTunes library and try to find a particular song.

3/10

13)

Read Wikipedia.

2/10

14)

Discover a new religion and coax gullible people to join.

7/10

15)

Paint your toes like talons, pick up mice with your feet and pretend you're an eagle.

8/10

16)

Rename all the contacts in your phone to things you won't remember.

9/10

17)

Stab Russell Brand in the chest.

∞/10

18)

See how much toothpaste you can force up your nose.

4/10

19)

Strip as many batteries as possible in a minute, then try to beat your own score.

3/10

20)

Write a blog entry telling people how to enjoy themselves when they're alone.

0/10

*Example

Sweat, Shaving, And Shameless Advertising

Well this has certainly been a peculiar Summer. Gloomy, drizzly, but strangely muggy at the same time, so you sweat/perspire/glow on to your already clammy body. This is perhaps my least favourite type of weather, and also why I prefer winter to summer without question.

Winter is a wonderful for so many reasons. For example, you can control your body temperature more easily (it's much easier to warm up than to cool down), you get a wonderful mix of dazzling winter sunshine and chilling December nights, and the colder weather means it's legal to press your face into a girl's chest in order to conserve warmth.*

Summer is also the time when you don't need any extra hair keeping your chin toasty, so shaving becomes paramount. I used to be able to get away with not shaving, mainly because my facial hair was so blonde it was practically invisible, meaning nobody could tell if I'd shaved last night or last month. Thing is, my body has decided to rebel against my laziness and has decided that this century's fashion is now deep brown, meaning that should a day or two elapse when a razor has not touched my skin, it looks like somebody's sneezed pepper all over my chin. Admittedly the spread isn't complete, but that if anything is worse, I just have patches of brown on my face and neck, which brings me onto my next point... Why on Earth does facial hair grow on your neck? The whole idea of keeping your neck warm is redundant! We have scarves for that! Mother Nature is really taking the piss with this one.

I imagine a lot of you women out there are thinking 'Well it's just as bad for us, we've got legs, armpits (or underarms if you're a pretentious deodorant advert), gussets etc.'. You're right, social pressure requires that you keep your body relatively hair-free, but what happens if you cut yourself when shaving? You wear [insert feminine clothing] to cover it up, and the only people who will notice otherwise will be people far too interested in your nether regions to give a damn about a small scab. Now think about us lads. If we cut ourselves shaving, we have to wander around for the best part of a week looking like we've had a fight with a cheese grater. And do you know the worst part? As soon as you need to shave again, you cut the wound open accidentally and the whole process begins again.

Mindless rambling aside, I would like to draw your attention to a few blogs belonging to close friends of mine, as they fail to receive the attention they deserve.

http://innateramblingsofaninsomniac.blogspot.com/

http://dressedlikeadietcoke.blogspot.com/

http://hannaholichavoc.blogspot.com/

http://solowing633.blogspot.com/

*European Act of Bosom Responsibilities 1997

If You'll Pardon The Football-Themed Exclamatory, Result!

Results day. Easily the most painful day in every student's life, with the possible exception of walking in on your parents in the missionary position. To make it easier, here's my easy-to-use guide on how to make results day more pleasant.*

Step One - The Night Before

The night before results is guaranteed to create a pang of anxiety and worry, leaving you with a dreadful night's sleep, and that's certainly not going to make things easier when you turn up half-clothed in front of your friends as they relish in their victories. To ensure a blissful night's slumber, open your fridge and consume:

5 pints of cider

1 pint of fancy Belgian lager

2 shots of 48.5% whiskey

2 halves of Guinness

The two halves of Guinness may throw you at first, but I can assure you that two halves is at least twice as much as a full pint. Your head will hit the pillow in a wonderful state of euphoria, having forgotten everything about who you are, where you live, or why your liver has emigrated.

Stage Two - The Morning Looms

When you awake at seven o' clock the next day, you may find a large throbbing sensation in your frontal lobes and a prostitute on your face. Do not panic! Pay the whore, drag yourself downstairs and consume the following items:

2 ibuprofen tablets

2 antacid tablets

2 pints of water

1 glass of orange juice

Orange juice contains vitamin C, which improves the speed at which the body can process alcohol, allowing your brain to rehydrate and flush the poison from your system. The painkillers and the indigestion tablets give you swift relief from any immediate pain, and the water and orange juice will clear you up before the numbing effects wear off.

IMPORTANT: Do not consume any food! If your nerves get the better of you your chums may be wiping lumps of carrot off their shoes.

Stage Three - The Journey

Arrive at your school or college as quickly as possible. Any length of time will give your brain moments to allow the situation to stew and make things worse. If you can, travel with at least one other person and try to get there as directly as possible by car. For added distraction, some inspirational music should be played loudly at all, preferably with singing and air-guitar. Here are a few examples:

Livin' On A Prayer (Bon Jovi)

Monster (The Automatic)

Viva La Vida (Coldplay)

Just Say Yes (Snow Patrol)

My Generation (The Who)

I Thought It Was Over (The Feeling)

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (Daft Punk)

Take Me Out (Franz Ferdinand)

Goodbye Mr A (The Hoosiers)

Stage Four - Reading Your Results

This point is crucial if you don't wish to spoil your sexy and charming reputation. Take the paper from the paedophile behind the desk, making sure it is folded over. Step away from the desk, look directly at your friends and open the paper before looking at it. When you do look at the paper a few seconds later, make sure your reaction is appropriate and not melodramatic. This can be helped by wearing dark sunglasses and looking at the paper without anyone realising before acting pleased/depressed. Reputation sustained.

Stage Five - Coping With Your Grades

Repeat stage one until body withers away.

*Guaranteed to improve A-level results by 100%

It's Been A While

Well, I haven't posted on here for a good long time, have I? I'll admit it's mainly due to the fact that I never found an easy moment to update, I've been up to my neck in Mass Effect and don't even get me started on the pub.

Anyway, lots has happened since I last saw you (using 'saw' in its broadest sense), I've rediscovered poetry, I've rehearsed a traditional Filipino coming of age celebration (i.e. birthday), and I've realised that margaritas really are not a good idea after several bottles of lager and half a bottle of wine.

Yes, I've grown a little wiser, and in some ways, a little sadder. Still bereft of female partnership of the squelchy kind, I am realising the magnitude of the task before me. I have to charm a girl into my pants, and then manage to keep her there after she realises that I'm not the duke of Kidderminster. Woe betide her. Still, the way I see it, if there isn't a girl I'm willing to go out of my way to ask out, then I probably don't like her enough to make something of us anyway!*

So, another year of college ahead, fifteen hours of English a week and one hour of journalism, not to mention winter's just around the corner. A cocktail that would make most grown men cry, but I'm not like most people.

I'm going to bloody love it!

*Chipper optimism specifically designed to irritate the pessimists out there