It's that time of year. Every couple are exchanging romantic presents (read: a teddy bear holding a heart) and expressing just how they feel about one another. Nice, isn't it? Even as a single man I do enjoy how this one days brings people together, despite all of the commercialisation of it. I can understand why people get angry over how tacky most celebrations seem to have become, but no-one is forcing you to buy any of this tat, you buy it on your own accord. What's stopping you, say, making a handmade card? Unless you don't have hands, in which case you can make them a footmade card. Now that's dedication. There are so many different ways you can express your love to someone* (or something), so be a little bit different.
To celebrate the death of St. Valentine (that's right, he died on this day), I've rooted through records and peeked under rugs for all of the events that have fallen out of tradition in modern society, so we can start reliving the good old celebrations of yore. Aren't I lovely?
Harrington Sunday (2nd Sunday of July)
Named after sir Harrington Harrington, Harrington Sunday is the one day of the year which is dedicated to the recycling of all organic and synthetic mucus. For one day a year, the descendants of sir Harrington collect the nation's mucus, and turn it into a delicious and nutritious broth, to be served to anyone who wishes for it. The ceremony was sadly dropped after NHS reports deemed the practice 'unhygienic'.
Postman's Day (26th January)
In years gone by, it was customary on this date for the people of Wales to be conscripted into the role of postmen and postladies, and to deliver small gifts to their leader, Lord Cardiff. Cardiff has of course passed on since this tradition was exercised, and so did the celebrations. The Welsh are now free to do as they please on this day.
Dilworthering (3rd October)
On this merry day, it was (and still is in certain parts of Lancashire) traditional to approach young and attractive strangers in the street and engage in sexual congress in the traditional Dilworthian way (on a tandem). Memories of this day ring clearly in the minds of famous persons such as the Duke of Wellington, Frank Sinatra, and of course Anubis, god of the afterlife.
Blarmalade Blunday (5th Monday of November)
Almost unheard of these days, Blarmalade Blunday is the anniversary of one of the greatest scientific discoveries of last generation, the invention of fruit preserves. Founded by Sgt. Armbrad of Basingstoke, Blarmalade Blunday gets it's unusual name from a speech impediment that caused him to be completely unable to pronounce the letter 'm' at the start of a word. Armbrad discovered the art of preserving fruit after an enormous radioactive blast caused a pulverised nectarine and a bag of sugar to somehow combine on a molecular level. These days the same method is used, which is why jam making is such a dangerous profession, and should never be attempted at home.
Opposite Day (CLASSIFIED)
That's right, Opposite Day isn't just a ruse your friends and family member used to pull on you. Allocated with the mysterious Tlentifiti calendar (which has long been forgotten), only a handful of officials and whippets know when this actually occurs. In my efforts of discovering this day, I also uncovered the date of this event, but for the sake of my own safety I cannot repeat it to you. If you should find me acting suspiciously on a particular day of the year, you'll know why.
*The missionary is so last winter
