Step One - The Night Before
The night before results is guaranteed to create a pang of anxiety and worry, leaving you with a dreadful night's sleep, and that's certainly not going to make things easier when you turn up half-clothed in front of your friends as they relish in their victories. To ensure a blissful night's slumber, open your fridge and consume:
5 pints of cider
1 pint of fancy Belgian lager
2 shots of 48.5% whiskey
2 halves of Guinness
The two halves of Guinness may throw you at first, but I can assure you that two halves is at least twice as much as a full pint. Your head will hit the pillow in a wonderful state of euphoria, having forgotten everything about who you are, where you live, or why your liver has emigrated.
Stage Two - The Morning Looms
When you awake at seven o' clock the next day, you may find a large throbbing sensation in your frontal lobes and a prostitute on your face. Do not panic! Pay the whore, drag yourself downstairs and consume the following items:
2 ibuprofen tablets
2 antacid tablets
2 pints of water
1 glass of orange juice
Orange juice contains vitamin C, which improves the speed at which the body can process alcohol, allowing your brain to rehydrate and flush the poison from your system. The painkillers and the indigestion tablets give you swift relief from any immediate pain, and the water and orange juice will clear you up before the numbing effects wear off.
IMPORTANT: Do not consume any food! If your nerves get the better of you your chums may be wiping lumps of carrot off their shoes.
Stage Three - The Journey
Arrive at your school or college as quickly as possible. Any length of time will give your brain moments to allow the situation to stew and make things worse. If you can, travel with at least one other person and try to get there as directly as possible by car. For added distraction, some inspirational music should be played loudly at all, preferably with singing and air-guitar. Here are a few examples:
Livin' On A Prayer (Bon Jovi)
Monster (The Automatic)
Viva La Vida (Coldplay)
Just Say Yes (Snow Patrol)
My Generation (The Who)
I Thought It Was Over (The Feeling)
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (Daft Punk)
Take Me Out (Franz Ferdinand)
Goodbye Mr A (The Hoosiers)
Stage Four - Reading Your Results
This point is crucial if you don't wish to spoil your sexy and charming reputation. Take the paper from the paedophile behind the desk, making sure it is folded over. Step away from the desk, look directly at your friends and open the paper before looking at it. When you do look at the paper a few seconds later, make sure your reaction is appropriate and not melodramatic. This can be helped by wearing dark sunglasses and looking at the paper without anyone realising before acting pleased/depressed. Reputation sustained.
Stage Five - Coping With Your Grades
Repeat stage one until body withers away.
*Guaranteed to improve A-level results by 100%
