Poetry in Motion

The modern poet. To proclaim as one is to commit certain social suicide, as poetry seem to be restricted to depressed inadequates who walk around wearing black and listening to Dirt Pram or SlipperyRope or whatever it is they listen to. Tis is a real shame, because as a nation, poetry is our national art form. The French have their paintings, the Belgians have their chocolate and the Americans have their ignorance, but we English (sorry Scotland, Ireland and Wales, I'm sure your sonnets are lovely) can safely say we hold more prestige in the poetry world than any others. Unfortunately, it seems to many that poetry is a dying art. I mean, the are bags of poetry competitions about, but poets don't get the same recognition they would have a century ago.

Or do they?

It depends what you class as a 'poet', but if you follow my view, you can't help but agree that one medium has made poetry more popular than ever, and young people literally worshipping the most renowned. After all what is poetry? It is a verse with a deeper meaning, or sometimes not even that! A good example is The Little Vagabond by William Blake. It means what it says, that churches should be more like pubs, and if you can read some deeply ironic meaning throughout the whole piece, let me know by posting a comment, because I sure as Hell didn't see it.

No, poetry has taken on a new guise for modern times, and there are an extremely select few who don't know of it. You may know it simply as 'music'.

Think about it, if someone were to show you the lyrics to a song you'd never heard (providing it didn't talk about "bros n der hoes"), you could be forgiven for thinking it might be a poem. Don't believe me? Try this 'stanza' on for size:

I have not bummed across America
with only a dollar to spare, one pair
of busted Levi's and a bowie knife.
I have lived with thieves in Manchester.

And now let's look at a modern poem:

I begged you to hear me
there's more than flesh and bones,
Let the dead bury their dead.
They will come out in droves,
But take the spade from my hands, and
fill in the holes you've made.

Not a huge difference really is there? That's because they both have rhythm, both of these examples have enjambement (where a line ends without punctuation) and end-stops (where a line ends abruptly on a full stop), and they both hide a deeper meaning. I'd analyse them for you now, but I'll leave you to do that if you so desire.

It'll never be accepted by the poets society, but when bands like Mumford and Sons can write more meaningful words than William McGonagall, those in charge can do what they like, it's not going to make Mumford run away crying. Bear in mind though, there is a lot of modern music I wouldn't call poetry because they hold no meaning or real soul, and this is true for a lot more of the 'popular' music. Let's be honest though, N-Dubzzy Snoopy Dogg are more popular than Great Lake Swimmers, and Carol Ann Duffy is more popular than Simon Armitage. You can work the maths out for yourself.


*Super special bonus points for anyone who noticed that the example poem stanza and song verse were in fact the wrong way around. I really am a cheeky devil at times, aren't I?
'It Ain't What You Do it's What it Does to You' belongs to Simon Armitage
'Thistle and Weeds' belongs to Mumford and Sons

Be a Man, Man

These days with feminism on the rise, it seems that men are expected to prove just how manly they are, but still remain sensitive, caring, and most of all it seems, domesticated.

That's right lads, you've got to learn how to cook. But don't worry, there's nothing saying what or how you have to cook, so here's my how-to on making a manly meal for men who, like men, like women. Man.

It's simple really, you just have to remember the five steps of MANLY cooking:

Meaty
And
Nutritionally
Lacking
YEAH

Follow these guidelines to the letter, and soon you too will be a man of the kitchen. That's right, A MAN!

Still stuck? Not to worry, here are a few traditional recipes with a manly nipple twist to them to give you some inspiration.

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Chicken Chow Man
Cover chicken in batter
Deep-fry chicken
Head butt pan of water repeatedly to bring it to the boil
Spit rice in boiling water
Mix chicken & rice
Add gravel
Cover in salt & HP Sauce
Serve on corrugated iron

Muscle Stew
Boil own arm year-old chip fat for 30 minutes
Serve in cupped hands

Mansagne
Basic lasagne recipe with the following changes:
Replace mince with steak
Replace roux sauce with chilli sauce & Branston pickle
Replace pasta with photos of loved ones*
Serve

Leather Jacket Potatoes
Pick out the three largest, fluffiest and most delicate potatoes you can find
Galvanise potatoes
Cover in best-before 1981 olive oil and light
Build bonfire around potatoes and leave for thirty seconds
Climb into fire and retrieve potatoes
Serve with bark

Steel and Kidney Pie
Attack frozen steak and kidney pie with steel girders until sufficiently heated through
Serve

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Got your own recipe idea? Post a comment below or email me, and maybe (just maybe) I'll give it a go and post a review on a future update.

UPDATE: These lads have the right idea


*Of course (being a man), these will all be self-portraits

Counter-Sausage Measures

Chatroulette. We all know it, and a lot of us loathe it. If it's not sweaty fifty year olds trying it on, it's a laughably sized phallus staring you in the face. Of course, we've all heard the legends of the man on the piano, and people with something genuinely interesting to say or an amusing hand puppet, but do we ever see these elusive figures? Of course we don't. How to make Chatroulette worthwhile then? Well it's quite simple if you're not a completely useless bastard: take the initiative to be one of the interesting people. Easy enough, you may think, but it'll require some enthusiasm and a lack of shame. Here's a few ideas to get the old creativity flowing...

Place a sheet over your face and pretend to be a ghost

Place the webcam in your mouth*

Read passages from the Bible and claim to wreak God's wrath upon your chat partner

Treat men as women and women as men

Selotape your face into obscure positions

Throw rice at the webcam and laugh manically

Draw a Hitler moustache on your screen at random and wait for that beautiful, fleeting moment when it lands on someone's top lip

Lower the lighting to disguise your face, and make sexual advances to people whilst keeping the subject of your gender ambiguous

Dress as Paul McCartney and convert people to vegetarianism

Attempt to baffle your chat partner with card tricks

Cover the webcam lens with jam and cream, and lick it off without using your hands to hold it

Pretend to have an epileptic fit


*Best with a throat infection